Just a crack
by BloodStormWolf
Summary: Ah, the sound of a crack. See how a Sue dies. Sue bashing. Rated T for um.... authors language?


_**Note: Before you ask, writing in bold italics (well, except for this note ^^; ) represents descriptions of the Sues that normally appear in Sue fics. You can skip them, because they absolutely bring nothing to the story. The writing in normal font is more than enough. These descriptions usually occur only to the Sues, just so you know how great and perfect they are. I made them bold to show you how much **__**actual**__** space these meaningless descriptions take. Just like this note. Now it's too long and no-one will want to read it -.-;**_

-Oh god! Roy! This is great! ~- I heard panting in Mustangs office.

Oh god. Not _again_.

I flung the door open, shielding my [poor] eyes with my hand.

There, was the Colonel, making out with somebody (my guess was a woman) on the poor couch.

Buuuuuuut that wasn't the case. Sure, I would barf later on any _other _day. But this, my friends, was not the point. The woman was no **ordinary** girl with a breast-so-big-that-it-makes-up-dignity. No…

She was…

A **Mary-Sue** [insert dramatic background music.]

She turned her head in my direction. (God,please help me.) _**Eyes so violet they could be mistaken for amethyst, with skin so pale and spotless that it seemed like white marble. Her hair was long, glossy and ebony black, with ever-so-slight and, of course, natural highlights of a honey blond.**_

As she noticed me, her eyes turned _**a wonderful, warm color of liquid**_ gold_. _

I blinked a couple of times. I mean, if it was a –regular- girl, I would have made fun of it. But **this**… **this** needed **drastic measures**.

-Roy! - I exclaimed, dramatically grabbing the door frame.

-How could you…? - I added with a quivering voice.

The Sues eyes widened. Mustang quirked his brow.

-I thought that… - I –epically- paused.

-You thought what?!- The coughbitchcough Sue snapped at me.

-I…-

_Magically_ and because of total coincidence someone started yelling 'Colonel Bastard I'll get you now!' in the hallway.

-Edward! - I called.

And, totally surprisingly, the blond appeared next to me. Like, totally randomly, not because he was needed for an unknown reason.

-What now? - He sighed and totally like, forgot about his hatred to Mustang immediately. beekuz he wud lik, totalee du dat!!!!11!!one!1

I looked up and sniffed.

-Do you see what I see?!- I pointed at the Sue.

The coughmidgetscough gaze followed to where my finger was pointing, his expression like, totally shocked. Totally.

-Get _off _of _her_! - Fullmetal shouted.

Roy held her _**fragile, petite body which held the fragrance of a delicate, blossoming cherry flower **_tighter (if that was even possible :eye roll: ) with a fire in his eyes.

-She is my love, although I've known her for 2 hours. I will leave my 110+ girlfriends just for her! - The Flame Alchemist exclaimed.

-No! She is **my** love, even though I have no idea who she is. I suddenly got the overwhelming feeling to protect her just by having a glance at her! - Edward yelled.

-How can that be?!- Someone squealed dramatically from the sidelines.

-Duh, love at first sight! - The blond snorted, rolling his eyes. becuz dat totalee egzysts!!!11!!one!1!

-No! She is mine! - Roy replied, dramatically laying his forearm on his forehead, closing his eyes and turning his face towards the ceiling.

Edward jumped at his _superior_, because his love for the girl was so strong that he forgot he could be thrown out of the military, thus putting a finish to his search for the philosopher's stone and breaking the promise he gave to his beloved, but not-so-important-anymore brother. (That was one long sentence 0_o)

Hair and clothes were torn, desks were burnt, and random koala bears committed suicide by jumping off cliffs while they fought. It was truly an epic battle.

But, going back to the point that _really_ interests us…

Now, that I had Mustang out of the way, I got ready to finish the job. I glanced at the Sue, positioning my shotgun ready (which I _magically_ took out of my pocket).

She noticed this. Too bad.

-Roy-roy? - She hissed. But she gained no attention from the man.

-E...Eddy-kun? - She whimpered. Again, no attention. Edward was too busy fighting to gain her love to notice she was about to die.

-**THIS IS MADNESS!** - She shrieked, hiding her _**beautiful, perfect **_face in her _**slim, graceful and dainty**_ hands.

And this, dear readers, is where you take your pens and notebooks out. The hour has come to get to know which Sue-traits you are **not** to follow.

-What is your name? - I asked, unblocking the safety system and loading my gun.

- Serenity Moonshadow Gracia Lillianne Destiny Forestnight Sapphire Ookami Rin Rosebush Cirle. - She responded, still not showing her face.

-Tell me what your fighting skills are. - I added, wiping the dust off my gun.

-What do _you_ need this for?!- She snapped, jerking her _**beautiful**_ head up, _**her long, dark hair cascading like a waterfall at the sudden movement.**_

-Well… um… basically, I need to gain proof that you're a Sue before I annihilate you with my goat-cheese gun. And to teach the soon-to-be-writers what they shouldn't let out of the caged, dark parts of their minds.-

-But… I'll die? - She batted her_** long, dark **_eyelashes_**, which were framing her deep, sapphire eyes. No one has seen eyes so haunting, so captivating before. Tears trickled down her face, looking like small, price-less diamonds.**_

-Um…- I stopped, unsure of what to say. -… to tell the truth, I'm not really sure. You're going to dissolve. No one can truly kill you. You'll just appear in a different story. But we, the writers with some sanity, we try to make your number smaller. So technically, yup, you're going to die. Now get on with it, I still need to eat some muffins. They won't disappear by themselves, you know?-

She nodded quickly.

-Well… I have pwnsome abilities, like I control the elements, and I can clap my hands and chains come out of no-where, or spears appear. And I'm _perfect_ with the gun too! Riza taught me, but I was like, better on my first try than she ever was! So she started like, being a bitch to me, and we're like, mortal enemies.- She stopped to catch her breath, _**her lovely, full lips parted slightly, and her vivid, emerald-green eyes filled with emotion.**_

My eye twitched, but, for the sake of FF net education, I decided to continue.

-Your story? - I continued, popping some gum into my mouth.

-Well, up until now, I had no idea what I am, because like, I lost my memory! - She clapped her _**delicate, pale**_ hands cheerfully. – But now, because it's actually important now, I remember! When I was little, my whole entire family was horribly murdered right before my eyes by a _psychopath_. But he spared me, because he felt like, sorry for me. I tried to bring them back of course. Even though I was like, five! But I was sooooooo intelligent that it was actually possible for me! And I, surprisingly, failed. It cost me my arm, but I got this nifty automail instead! - She cheered, happy about, well… a life tragedy that causes most people to get depressed or perform suicides. Riiiight…

She kept rambling – That's why I can perform alchemy without like, a circle, which is soooo original! Oh, and I grew up in Resembool, and my best friends were like, Ed and Al! But then suddenly like, without a reason, I ran away from home to become a State Alchemist! And I did, at like, age ten! So I'm an alchemy prodigy!-

-So…- I asked, at bit confused – why didn't he- I pointed at the blond (who was still fighting, mind you) –recognize you?-

-Well…- she chuckled- back then, I was just a pretty **little** **girl** who was an alchemy mastermind! Now, I'm a pretty **girl** who is an alchemy mastermind!-

I kept on chewing my gum. Mmm watermelon flavor…

- Of course, I'm not _as_ pretty as Winry- she pouted, _**her rosy pink lips forming a soft frown on her face**_. - I mean my slutty rival. - She added, saying the name as if it were toxic. _**It felt strange, these awful words coming from a fragile, delicate girl, said by such a sweet, sing-song voice. No, those words **__**had to**__** be true if such a mystifying creature said them. **_

-I'm much too humble for that! - She added, nodding. My bubble gum balloon popped. She was clearly forgetting that was pointing a shot gun (filled with the substance that Sues detested most, goat cheese) at her head.

-Wait… that means that you're… - I stopped to calculate in my head.

-16 years old! - She said _**flashing a smile that miss universe would die for**_.

I nearly choked on my gum.

-But… bu… Roy is… 29! - I started counting on my fingers.

- That means that you're …-

-Twice younger than him? - She finished for me.

-That's… that's… that's just… wrong! - I exclaimed.

- Suit your self- she shrugged.

I made a face.

-And no, I'm not going to explode if you glare hard enough at me. Or burn to nothing. - She added, responding to my… thoughts? WTF?

-How did you do…- I chocked

-I can read minds. - She stated simply.

And that, my beloved readers, was when I shot goat-cheese at her.

A furious mass of the stinky substance covered her, dissolving.

The Sue turned into a heap of soap bubbles, which covered the floor.

Popcorn popped, jellybeans cheered, and random koala bears took out parachutes.

-Wh... why? - Were her last words.

I glared at the bubbles.

-Because **no** version of Edward Cullen has a **right** to live. - I spat coolly, spitting out my gum.

And I left the room, Roy and Ed still fighting in the background, and the soap bubbles that were once Serenity Moonshadow Gracia Lillianne Destiny Forestnight Sapphire Ookami Rin Rosebush Cirle started slowly dissolving.

-And- I added, turning around one last time. –This is not madness, bitch. THIS. IS .SPARTA!**-**

DA END :D

**Ha, I made this when I was extremely bored. Oh well. So there you have it, what is so cliche that it's not funny anymore. Reviews please, I live for them! **

**I've been thinking about writing _another_**** (yes, _another_) chapter. So tell me what you like!!**

** What an perfect button! You _know_ you want to click it!  
**


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